My relationship status.

So, I have a good number of people messaging me, asking what happened. Sorry to re-use this blog, but it was handy for this, that way I don't just have to copy/paste the same speech each time.

First, there is no anger or bitterness. Really, it doesn't feel all that different. That's kinda the problem. Splitting up should hurt if we're meant to stay together. We've both been thinking the same thing for a while now, we aren't really in love anymore. We're like roommates or good friends. I love Julie, but not in that way anymore, and no mater what they say, good communication isn't enough, you need some sort of passion.

There was a time when I couldn't imagine a life without Julie, but now, we aren't really connected anymore. Really, we are just acknowledging what is already true. We aren't really a couple in real life.

What will the future hold?

We are going to stay legally married for now, it ensures the other person has health insurance to fall back on and saves a lot of other legal trouble. From there, who knows.

Gaga comes in the Night - Part 2 - Day eleven

Timothy felt a sense of wonderment and amazement as he flew through the cool night air. It was summer time and he could see his dorm room growing distant and the stars growing closer.

Then he began to feel a “bit” of a new sensation as the beer he had drunk earlier started to complain about his new found flight. Shortly thereafter, somewhere down below in the night time street of the city, some poor sap received some slightly used beer in the form of rain. Our hero, Timothy, however, felt much better.

“Who are you anyways?” he shouted to his racily dressed companion, Lady Gaga.

“I am Lady Gaga, the ghost of chicks you've hit on past.” she said in an eerie voice.

“That's uh, that's quite a mouthful.”

“That what I said,” she quipped.

“What?”

“Nothing! Anyway, it's not a title that rolls off of the tongue, I'm aware of this. I was kinda hoping you wouldn't ask.”

“Sorry,

“Don't apologize. Which brings up my next point.” Lady Gaga began, “We're going on a little trip down memory lane.”

Tim chimed in “Why ghosts? Are they dead or something? Am . . . I dead?”

“Haven't you ever seen a Christmas Carol?! You should know the drill!” Lady Gaga continued under her breathe “Chimed in, what is this a Hardy Boys novel?”

“What?”

“Nothing!”

They began to descend from the sky to the edge of town.​​​ They landed in the basketball court of a small park.

Meanwhile, back at Tim's dorm.

Young girl: Uh, is that a reindeer in your roommates bunk.

Roommate: Yeah, uh, let's just go to your dorm.

Young girl: That's . . . uh . . . yeah let's go.

Back to Tim and Gaga.

Lady Gaga led Tim to a small sports car. It was black with bright pink flames painted down the side. It was a two seater, what ever kind the reader can best imagine.

She peeled out of that parking lot straight into part three. Stay tuned.

Lady Gaga comes in the night - Day ten

His drink had been drunk,

His story had been read,

Toys all him his trunk. 

Asleep in his bed​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​.

Young Timothy was a man of 21 years,

Who had just drank his first few, of many future beers.

He'd crept to his bed ready for slumber,

He's struck out that night, with nary a number.

But in the night who should appear

But a very sexy Lady Gaga​​​

Riding a transsexual reindeer.

Flamboyantly dressed with leather and lace.

She cracked her whip, right at his face.

"Oh, my head, what's that light," Timothy cried out in an awful fright.

"It's only me, the singing pop sensation. Here to entertain you, with nocturnal gyration."

"Really?"

"No," she paused "Get your shit and get dressed. We're going on a magical journey."

"You'll have to carry me out of here on a gurney."

"Drink this Redbull," she said with a smile "You'll feel better after a while. You bitched out at 11:20 at night, so we are going to be gone, till the morning light!"

He hemmed and he hawed and got up from his bed, visions of her sugar plumbs filled his head.

"Now take my hand, and think just right, and we will fly off into the night"

"Think right?" He asked.

"Didn't you see Peter Pan, motha-fucka'? Happy thoughts asshole!"

He tried to think happy thoughts with all of his might, but getting into the air, was quite a fight.

He wobbled for a while but that came to a stop, when he realized he just needed to stare at her top.

The flew out the window into the night.

He went though the air free as a kite.

Their journey had just begun.

Tomorrow, part two, this was part one.

Attack of the 300 foot Gaga - Day nine

The men sat around the table in a darkened room glancing at each other nervously. It wasn't every day that the head of the the FBI, the CIA, Homeland Security, the NSA, the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and the EPA meet together.

The aged men stood at attention as the President walked into the room. Those from the military saluted president West. Now was time to talk strategy.

Some miles to the ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​north a terrible menace was destroying New York city. It was a three hundred foot tall monster. It was a FAME (Fire-breathing Aerial Malevolent Extraterrestrial) monster. It had smashed open Macy's and Bloomingdale's already. The monster appeared to be heading towards Times Square in Manhattan.

Its feet were hideously misshapen, looking almost human, but having a front with the back missing. It was covered in a smooth shiny black armor from head to toe. It's face appeared almost human were it not for the nose being out of proportion. Around its back was the skin of a giant space bear, that it wore around like an over-sized cape.

Back at the Pentagon President West was finished with the meeting. Each of the departments in the meeting had tried to stop it and failed. Now he was going to do it himself. The president was nothing if not confident.

Half an hour later the President stepped out of the high speed aircraft and onto the streets of New York, he felt inspired by the bright lights. He stepped out of the plane holding an experimental weapon he just thought might do the trick.

He began to speak "Yo Gagazilla, Imma let you finish, but first imma finish you for all time!"

Gagazilla tossed aside the top of the Empire state building it had been wearing as a hat.

President Kanye West fired the experimental rocket. It was to no avail as Gagazilla was undeterred. Kanye was forced to flee to the water, secure in the knowledge that as a gay fish, he would survive in the aquatic habitat.

The residents of New York would had no choice but to wait till Gagazilla left of her own volition.

In the aftermath the country came together in solidarity, and agreed that President Kanye West, was indeed a jackass. 

Gaga's memories of the ages - Day eight

The walls of the Crystal Palace sang out their beautiful song into the roaring winds. An accompaniment of wind chimes, arranged hurricane speed gales echoed throughout the structure. Upon the throne, in the main chamber sat Lady Gaga, hunkered over in her eternal slumber. Eons had passed while she slept, waiting for the right time to come. The last of an ancient race, waiting to impart its wisdom to younger blood.

Click, click, click, there came the noise of footsteps. Heavy breathing emanated as seven men and women walked down that ancient palace's halls. As they walked down the corridors, the crystal walls began to illuminate into a myriad of colors. 

Each of the men and women wore a loose fitting suit which covered their bodies from the neck down. The suits were made of a sleek silver material. Around their heads were clear plastic bowls.

Holding out a small flat instrument with glowing lumps of metal on the end a women began to speak "We can breathe in this stuff!"

They each began to remove their helmets. They had been getting desperate at their suits were running low on oxygen. To be able to breathe in this place was literary a life saver. But why was it the oxygen was so important to this group? Because they found it two miles above the surface of Venus.

The group now approached the main chamber. As they walked in they looked up in awe. The room's ceilings stretched the height of the ancient fortress.

They came upon a sleeping Gaga, who then slowly rose and looked at them. The floors began to light up vibrant colors in squares beneath them. Glowing silver balls descended from the ceiling above them.

Lady Gaga rose and began to sing, the most beautiful sound they ever heard came from all around them.

Lady Gaga, of the long forgotten race of humanity, began to impart to this new race humanities greatest treasure.

DISCO!

How the West was fun - Day seven

She walked into the smoky room in high heels moving and swinging her hips suggestively. ​​​She carried a tray loaded with whiskey on the rocks, a gin and tonic, and a shot of rum. Elegantly she walked towards the table in the back corner where there sat a lavishly dressed figure surrounded by nervious men playing cards. Setting the drinks down in front of the central figure she waited nervously.

​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​Lady Gaga reached down and took the drinks the cocktail waitress had just set in front of her and slammed them one by one. She took a long drag of her cigar, set it in the ashtray, and blew smoke rings at the nervous waitress. 

Gaga gave the waitress a solid smack across the ass and said "Now get a round of whiskey for the whole table."

The startled women took the empty glasses and went quickly to comply. She didn't want to make the most famous gun this side of the Mississippi mad. Lady Gaga, the legendary gunfighter, gambler, and lover was in a good mood today, and everyone wanted to keep it that way.

Just then a ragged man walked into the room, through the swinging doors, in tattered dusty clothing. The dusty kerchief on his face bespoke a man who had been ridding hard through one of the worst dust storms of the decade. He fired a shot into the ceiling from his sawed off shotgun. There was a deafening roar and then everything stopped.


Lady Gaga looked up and raised one eyebrow.


"I'm looking for the women who shot my paw!" be bellowed looking at Lady Gaga.


Lady Gaga took a long drag on her cigar and spoke up, "I shot a lotta fella's paws, yer gonna need to describe him."


"In Reno three days ago, you shot him over a bad hand of cards." The man pointed the gun at Gaga.


"It couldn't have been me," Lady Gaga began in a sultry voice, "Because three days ago I was in Austin, how shall we say, All tied up!" she finished putting emphases on the all tied up in a way indicating that she didn't exactly mind it.


"Excuse me, but I'm the man who shot that no good son'of'bitch!" the tension mounted as a voice called out from the other side of the room.


A tall man dressed exactly like Lady Gaga stood up in the corner.


"Just who are you?" The ragged man asked.


"I'm her drag queen! The man said with particular pride.


"I got just one question fer ya," the shotgun wielding man began "Why'd ya do it?"


"Lovers quarrel," came a curt reply.


"Well the explains so many strange memories," the mad man replied introspectively.


He walked over to the bar, set down his gun, and ordered three shots of whiskey.


"Hey toots," Lady Gaga shouted out, "Where the hell is that whiskey already?!"


The bar thundered back to life. Just another night for Gaga out on the town.

Lady Gaga's wings - Day six

There was a heavy labored breathing sound - like Darth Vader was hyperventilating. A screeching siren went off with flashing red lights. But, while Lady Gaga's body was on the verge of a breakdown, her mind was sharp and focused. Steady,​ she pulled up on the controls of the experimental aircraft.

It takes one hell of a pilot to pull out of a tailspin at 2 Gs. Lucky, Lady Gaga was one hell of a pilot.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ Too good to get in this kind of a situation, but when your 3 billion dollar jet fighter malfunctions, you make due. She could have just ejected about a minute ago, but the flight data about what went wrong was on the line. Other, lesser pilots would lose their lives if she bailed now. Besides, she didn't take this job just to wuss out at the first sign of trouble.

The craft evened out. She was steady now. Gaga's heart was racing a million miles and hour as she brought the shaky plane down, deploying the parachute to try and slow the craft to a speed where she could survive the inevitable crash. But, her instinct was good, and her had was steady. The plane came down without further incident.

​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​After it stopped and the hood opened up, she sat still for a minute, legs too weak to stand. As the danger she was in caught up with her like a sonic boom of fear she slipped out of consciousness for a moment.

The next thing she was walking down the runway, not sure how she got out of that plane. She walked towards her mechanic. He reached out to embrace her, but she had other ideas.

"You sonofabitch!" she said as she planted a strong left hook across his face.

He looked at her with sympathy in his big black eye, "I guess I deserved that. But I swear, she was tip-top. Guess drinks are on me."

"I'm drinking nothin' but single malt on your dollar." She said as she cracked a smile, glad to be alive.

There would be paperwork to do in the morning, but she could do that hung over with the shades drawn down tomorrow.

Lady Gaga gets ready - Day five

Lady Gaga looked in the mirror as she readied herself for the show. She had taken extra care for tonight's performance.

​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​Her platinum blond hair came down across her forehead into long bangs, which were cut strait across like a bowl cut just above her eyes. The rest of her long strait hair came down the sides about a foot past shoulder length, with the exception of some she had tied up into a bow on top of her head.

On her face she wore large, dark sunglasses, which rested on her somewhat larger than normal nose. The nose on her face was above her thin lips and small narrow chin, which pointed down to her large gaudy faux-pearls.

Her dress was black vinyl and clung to her tightly. The strap went over her right shoulder and not her left, even having part of a sleeve on her right hand side. Around her waist were black straps which were woven together in an alternating pattern.

Gaga let out a sigh as she was sure that everything was ready. She could move freely, and she was warmed up for the show. The vinyl dress would be hot, but the first costume change would occur not too far into the show. Then, all her care might be for naught as she wouldn't have the kind of time to obsess over things that she does before the show.

She walked out of the dressing room and into a larger area where her backup dancers were getting ready. She began to walk the between them and to inspect them.

Lady Gaga walked towards the door, it was time for the show to begin.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

Interview with a Gaga - Day four

"Rah, rah, ah, ah, ah!" Gaga cried out into the night as she ran, fangs bared, towards her intended victim.

The young man tripped and looked up. There was a look of pure terror as Gaga jumped on him and sank her teeth into his neck.

But this would not be the end for this handsome young man, she would give him her ugly, her disease. After tonight he would be one of the living dead.

After drinking him nearly dry, she lifted one gloved hand to his mouth. Taking a silver dagger in the other she cut open her finger and placed it into his mouth so that he might drink of her blood. The next night he would wake feeling heavy and wooden. It would be the first night of his un-life.

But for now, she would send a servant to gather the boy. The night was young, and she had mischief yet to make.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

"What shall you do now, m-lady," asked her servant upon arrival. He continued, "Perhaps we could go . . ."

"I don't want to be friends!," she cut him off.

"Of course," he replied and was off into the night, where he would seek out her haven.

Lady Gaga, looked out at the lights of the city. What would she do now? She walked into the club. Another young man approached her on the dance floor. He looked at her and began to speak.

She just him off moving one finger to his lips. She looked into his eyes and said softly, "Just dance."

And it all began again.

Dangerous Orders! - Day three

She stared out at the crowd of adoring fans. They screamed her name.

"Gaga! Gaga! Gaga!"

But tonight they would not be viewing her, but instead her double. Tonight Uncle Sam needed her. She sat down in front of her makeup mirror in a white ultramodern chair that looked like a giant egg with the top half missing. Her fingers, with long blue press-on nails gently felt the left side of the chair until they came upon a pressure plate. The star shaped plate gently yielded to the push of her left hand.

There was a groaning sound as the chair began to slide forward. Then a hole opened up in the floor. Soon Gaga was sliding down a long tunnel into her secret laboratory. There was the communications equipment where she would receive her instructions from the command center.

The chair came to a stop at the bottom of a vast underground chamber. A dark silhouette appeared on a giant 40 foot wide screen in front of her.

"Your mission is simple. Go to North Korea and take them out. Kim Jong Il has a weakness for dancing and singing. Only your pop powers can penetrate the North Korean defences."

The video had finished. Lady Gaga now got up and went over to her pink with sparkles supersonic jet. She would be piloting it herself as this was a solo mission. She would land the plane in South Korea and then cross the border from there as the aircrafts technology was too advanced to let it fall in North Korean hands.

She pulled back the throttle as the hanger bay doors opened up and off into the night sky she flew.

Lord Gaga rides again - Day two

He looked like a king surveying his domain. Golden scepter in his left hand with a black latex dress on his body. He appeared to be a shapely women with a larger than average nose, but looks were deceiving. To the world he was Lady Gaga, but to himself he was Lord Gaga.

His was a tragic tale of steroid use gone wrong. When he grew breasts and became rather womanly in build, he made hit records out of lemons. But he put that away 10 years ago on the 7th anniversary of the release of Fame Monster. Now he rode through the country side on his hog, outlandishly dressed and bringing justice to the oppressed.

Up ahead was the town where the bandits were currently raiding. He removed the top from his golden scepter revealing a powerful shotgun. As the Road Lord rolled into town he fired a volley into the crowd of thugs surrounding a helpless young girl. He leaped from his bike using it's momentum to hurl himself at one half of the thugs while the bike flew into the other half.

The nine inch stiletto heels on GaGa's feet were razor sharp as they pierced the skulls of two huge biker criminals. They softened Gaga's landing while they were at it. Quickly discarding them and performing one of his miraculous instant costume changes, the middle aged Road Lord changed into skin tight leopard print and proceeded to finish the remaining villains using his leopard king fu dance moves.

He got back on his hog. The now freed girl got on back and wrapped her arms around him. They rode off into the sunset.

Bad Fiction - Day one

Lady Gaga looked out the president's window down at the gardener mowing the lawn. The man was one of hers. Her race controlled everything, the European Union, the United States. Only the radical Muslims could stop them, but that threat would be gone soon. Sub-Sahara Africa had once posed a threat, but that threat had been obliterated by AIDs now. The inner city had been a threat, but crack cocaine had eradicated that threat now too.

Her race had been preparing America since the 1950s. Upping the production of the grass clippings upon which her species fed. You don't think it's a coincidence that there is more lawn than farm in the United States do you? There are actually places where you are legally required to keep a nice lawn. And don't get me started on golf courses!

But places with no grass like the Middle East, or the Inner City, or the Rain Forest were a threat. That is why the people there had to be weak. That's why her race had created the CIA. The invasion would begin all to soon.

The would start with the suburbs where they had engineered public schools to make people weak and stupid. And the sweet grass that powered them and their technology would be plentiful. From there they would use earths own weapon systems to destroy and remaining threats. From Walmart, their evil front, they would set up command centers. You didn't think all those cheap plastic goods were really made in China did you?

Yes, soon it would begin!

30 Days of Gaga

The purpose of this blog is to post my short pieces of fiction with Lady Gaga in them. I started using her as a character, because she is just so weird. As a result, she can be anything, a vampire, an alien, an undercover spy.

Each day I will post another entry until I have 30 entries. If I miss a day due to time constraints, the 30 days will simply continue when I can post again.

Enjoy.