Product Placement - Day twelve

Lady Gaga sat there in her LazyBoy chair, listening to her favorite Usher song. It always fells so good to watch MTV on her Sony TV while eating a crunchy melty chicken quesadilla from Taco Bell, which she of course, washed down with an ice cold refreshing Pepsi.

Of course she preferred to wear her Nike shorts while relaxing. She absently looked down at the Rebook tennis shoes on her feet. She had gotten them at Footlocker. She reached over to the remote and turned up her Toshiba sound system that she had bought on Amazon.com. Now Justin Beiber was playing through her Bose speakers which of course connected to the sound system via the top-of-the-line Monster cables.

Lady Gaga was thinking of getting in her Ford Fusion and driving back to Best Buy to purchase a Nintendo Wii. She was still hungry despite the Taco Bell and felt that some McDonald's could be good. Her Ford Fusion needed gas so she would have to stop at the Speedway on the way. Before she could do that, she would have to change into Levi's jeans and and put on the new shirt she had bought at Clare's.

Opening up her Toshiba laptop, she went to Google.com and looked up mapping sites. She choose MapQuest and looked up the route to the nearest Best Buy. A shopping spree with her CitiBank credit card was just what she needed to pick herself up. On the way back she would use her Garmin GPS to find the location of the nearest Target and call it using her Android phone to find out if they had any Doritos.

It was going to be a great day.

My relationship status.

So, I have a good number of people messaging me, asking what happened. Sorry to re-use this blog, but it was handy for this, that way I don't just have to copy/paste the same speech each time.

First, there is no anger or bitterness. Really, it doesn't feel all that different. That's kinda the problem. Splitting up should hurt if we're meant to stay together. We've both been thinking the same thing for a while now, we aren't really in love anymore. We're like roommates or good friends. I love Julie, but not in that way anymore, and no mater what they say, good communication isn't enough, you need some sort of passion.

There was a time when I couldn't imagine a life without Julie, but now, we aren't really connected anymore. Really, we are just acknowledging what is already true. We aren't really a couple in real life.

What will the future hold?

We are going to stay legally married for now, it ensures the other person has health insurance to fall back on and saves a lot of other legal trouble. From there, who knows.

Gaga comes in the Night - Part 2 - Day eleven

Timothy felt a sense of wonderment and amazement as he flew through the cool night air. It was summer time and he could see his dorm room growing distant and the stars growing closer.

Then he began to feel a “bit” of a new sensation as the beer he had drunk earlier started to complain about his new found flight. Shortly thereafter, somewhere down below in the night time street of the city, some poor sap received some slightly used beer in the form of rain. Our hero, Timothy, however, felt much better.

“Who are you anyways?” he shouted to his racily dressed companion, Lady Gaga.

“I am Lady Gaga, the ghost of chicks you've hit on past.” she said in an eerie voice.

“That's uh, that's quite a mouthful.”

“That what I said,” she quipped.

“What?”

“Nothing! Anyway, it's not a title that rolls off of the tongue, I'm aware of this. I was kinda hoping you wouldn't ask.”

“Sorry,

“Don't apologize. Which brings up my next point.” Lady Gaga began, “We're going on a little trip down memory lane.”

Tim chimed in “Why ghosts? Are they dead or something? Am . . . I dead?”

“Haven't you ever seen a Christmas Carol?! You should know the drill!” Lady Gaga continued under her breathe “Chimed in, what is this a Hardy Boys novel?”

“What?”

“Nothing!”

They began to descend from the sky to the edge of town.​​​ They landed in the basketball court of a small park.

Meanwhile, back at Tim's dorm.

Young girl: Uh, is that a reindeer in your roommates bunk.

Roommate: Yeah, uh, let's just go to your dorm.

Young girl: That's . . . uh . . . yeah let's go.

Back to Tim and Gaga.

Lady Gaga led Tim to a small sports car. It was black with bright pink flames painted down the side. It was a two seater, what ever kind the reader can best imagine.

She peeled out of that parking lot straight into part three. Stay tuned.

Lady Gaga comes in the night - Day ten

His drink had been drunk,

His story had been read,

Toys all him his trunk. 

Asleep in his bed​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​.

Young Timothy was a man of 21 years,

Who had just drank his first few, of many future beers.

He'd crept to his bed ready for slumber,

He's struck out that night, with nary a number.

But in the night who should appear

But a very sexy Lady Gaga​​​

Riding a transsexual reindeer.

Flamboyantly dressed with leather and lace.

She cracked her whip, right at his face.

"Oh, my head, what's that light," Timothy cried out in an awful fright.

"It's only me, the singing pop sensation. Here to entertain you, with nocturnal gyration."

"Really?"

"No," she paused "Get your shit and get dressed. We're going on a magical journey."

"You'll have to carry me out of here on a gurney."

"Drink this Redbull," she said with a smile "You'll feel better after a while. You bitched out at 11:20 at night, so we are going to be gone, till the morning light!"

He hemmed and he hawed and got up from his bed, visions of her sugar plumbs filled his head.

"Now take my hand, and think just right, and we will fly off into the night"

"Think right?" He asked.

"Didn't you see Peter Pan, motha-fucka'? Happy thoughts asshole!"

He tried to think happy thoughts with all of his might, but getting into the air, was quite a fight.

He wobbled for a while but that came to a stop, when he realized he just needed to stare at her top.

The flew out the window into the night.

He went though the air free as a kite.

Their journey had just begun.

Tomorrow, part two, this was part one.

Attack of the 300 foot Gaga - Day nine

The men sat around the table in a darkened room glancing at each other nervously. It wasn't every day that the head of the the FBI, the CIA, Homeland Security, the NSA, the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and the EPA meet together.

The aged men stood at attention as the President walked into the room. Those from the military saluted president West. Now was time to talk strategy.

Some miles to the ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​north a terrible menace was destroying New York city. It was a three hundred foot tall monster. It was a FAME (Fire-breathing Aerial Malevolent Extraterrestrial) monster. It had smashed open Macy's and Bloomingdale's already. The monster appeared to be heading towards Times Square in Manhattan.

Its feet were hideously misshapen, looking almost human, but having a front with the back missing. It was covered in a smooth shiny black armor from head to toe. It's face appeared almost human were it not for the nose being out of proportion. Around its back was the skin of a giant space bear, that it wore around like an over-sized cape.

Back at the Pentagon President West was finished with the meeting. Each of the departments in the meeting had tried to stop it and failed. Now he was going to do it himself. The president was nothing if not confident.

Half an hour later the President stepped out of the high speed aircraft and onto the streets of New York, he felt inspired by the bright lights. He stepped out of the plane holding an experimental weapon he just thought might do the trick.

He began to speak "Yo Gagazilla, Imma let you finish, but first imma finish you for all time!"

Gagazilla tossed aside the top of the Empire state building it had been wearing as a hat.

President Kanye West fired the experimental rocket. It was to no avail as Gagazilla was undeterred. Kanye was forced to flee to the water, secure in the knowledge that as a gay fish, he would survive in the aquatic habitat.

The residents of New York would had no choice but to wait till Gagazilla left of her own volition.

In the aftermath the country came together in solidarity, and agreed that President Kanye West, was indeed a jackass. 

Gaga's memories of the ages - Day eight

The walls of the Crystal Palace sang out their beautiful song into the roaring winds. An accompaniment of wind chimes, arranged hurricane speed gales echoed throughout the structure. Upon the throne, in the main chamber sat Lady Gaga, hunkered over in her eternal slumber. Eons had passed while she slept, waiting for the right time to come. The last of an ancient race, waiting to impart its wisdom to younger blood.

Click, click, click, there came the noise of footsteps. Heavy breathing emanated as seven men and women walked down that ancient palace's halls. As they walked down the corridors, the crystal walls began to illuminate into a myriad of colors. 

Each of the men and women wore a loose fitting suit which covered their bodies from the neck down. The suits were made of a sleek silver material. Around their heads were clear plastic bowls.

Holding out a small flat instrument with glowing lumps of metal on the end a women began to speak "We can breathe in this stuff!"

They each began to remove their helmets. They had been getting desperate at their suits were running low on oxygen. To be able to breathe in this place was literary a life saver. But why was it the oxygen was so important to this group? Because they found it two miles above the surface of Venus.

The group now approached the main chamber. As they walked in they looked up in awe. The room's ceilings stretched the height of the ancient fortress.

They came upon a sleeping Gaga, who then slowly rose and looked at them. The floors began to light up vibrant colors in squares beneath them. Glowing silver balls descended from the ceiling above them.

Lady Gaga rose and began to sing, the most beautiful sound they ever heard came from all around them.

Lady Gaga, of the long forgotten race of humanity, began to impart to this new race humanities greatest treasure.

DISCO!

How the West was fun - Day seven

She walked into the smoky room in high heels moving and swinging her hips suggestively. ​​​She carried a tray loaded with whiskey on the rocks, a gin and tonic, and a shot of rum. Elegantly she walked towards the table in the back corner where there sat a lavishly dressed figure surrounded by nervious men playing cards. Setting the drinks down in front of the central figure she waited nervously.

​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​Lady Gaga reached down and took the drinks the cocktail waitress had just set in front of her and slammed them one by one. She took a long drag of her cigar, set it in the ashtray, and blew smoke rings at the nervous waitress. 

Gaga gave the waitress a solid smack across the ass and said "Now get a round of whiskey for the whole table."

The startled women took the empty glasses and went quickly to comply. She didn't want to make the most famous gun this side of the Mississippi mad. Lady Gaga, the legendary gunfighter, gambler, and lover was in a good mood today, and everyone wanted to keep it that way.

Just then a ragged man walked into the room, through the swinging doors, in tattered dusty clothing. The dusty kerchief on his face bespoke a man who had been ridding hard through one of the worst dust storms of the decade. He fired a shot into the ceiling from his sawed off shotgun. There was a deafening roar and then everything stopped.


Lady Gaga looked up and raised one eyebrow.


"I'm looking for the women who shot my paw!" be bellowed looking at Lady Gaga.


Lady Gaga took a long drag on her cigar and spoke up, "I shot a lotta fella's paws, yer gonna need to describe him."


"In Reno three days ago, you shot him over a bad hand of cards." The man pointed the gun at Gaga.


"It couldn't have been me," Lady Gaga began in a sultry voice, "Because three days ago I was in Austin, how shall we say, All tied up!" she finished putting emphases on the all tied up in a way indicating that she didn't exactly mind it.


"Excuse me, but I'm the man who shot that no good son'of'bitch!" the tension mounted as a voice called out from the other side of the room.


A tall man dressed exactly like Lady Gaga stood up in the corner.


"Just who are you?" The ragged man asked.


"I'm her drag queen! The man said with particular pride.


"I got just one question fer ya," the shotgun wielding man began "Why'd ya do it?"


"Lovers quarrel," came a curt reply.


"Well the explains so many strange memories," the mad man replied introspectively.


He walked over to the bar, set down his gun, and ordered three shots of whiskey.


"Hey toots," Lady Gaga shouted out, "Where the hell is that whiskey already?!"


The bar thundered back to life. Just another night for Gaga out on the town.